Eddie Van Halen: has any other guitarist been as much the object of worship, praise, misunderstanding, scrutiny and "hetero-man-crushes" as the Flying Dutchman? So many guitar techniques [note, "tricks" are what a "lady-of-the-night" does for money; ask G.O.B. Bluth] have been credited to him, be the credit fallacious or nay -- tapping, harmonic bends, that "drill thing" -- and many have become indispensable tools in the modern guitarist's lexicon. Then there's "that elephant noise." It's one VH lick that's maybe not found as wide spread of an application in recent years, but that hasn't stopped thousands of aspiring shredders from attempting to master it, and then posting their progress on that global -community-cork-board, YouTube.

Yes, YouTube has become the internet's equivalent of the Roman Coliseum. Does it exist for any other reason than that we humans desire to watch and judge others? Not likely, so let us indulge our inner-Neros, and hold these unsuspecting 'Tubers to impossible standards in the name of entertainment!

Standards, I'll posit, are important, and in order to efficiently eviscerate these unwilling and unwitting contestants in our Elephant Noise YouTube Shootout, we'll needs some standards of our own:

Brevity -- we demand elephant noises. Don't waste our time. we are the internet generation, accustomed to instant gratification. Make the noise and get off the stage!

Presentation -- I know that YouTube is basically public access TV on demand, but still, have some self respect. People are watching you, don't make them pity you/uncomfortable.

Production Quality -- we've gotta be able to hear The Noise as clearly as possible, savvy? Video quality plays second fiddle to audio fidelity, but if the picture's poor enough, it distracts from our experience of The Noise.

The Noise -- just make it sound like a freakin' pachyderm. Sounds so simple, and yet. . .

OK, on to the judging:

Contestant One: "sike5150 - eddie van halen elephant sound on guitar"

This vid is the embodiment of brevity: sike5150 [nice EVH reference in the user ID, sike] gets right to business, hits record, makes the noise, and stops. Note to sike5150: your guitar is red, do NOT wear a red shirt! Put a little thought into this, man! Grab your paisley guitar, it'll flatter your headless physique. The audio quality is . . . well, not great. In fact, if you listen closely, you can hear some sort of radio or TV on in the background. Total n00b move. Sike5150's "The Noise", however, is pretty top notch. Total Score: B

Contestant Two: "Elephant-Guitar"

Another good example of brevity, though dude does take a second, unnecessary stab at The Noise. Please be aware: multiple attempts will only hurt your overall score! Presentation isn't terrible, we see the guitar pretty clearly, but a bit too much of the poster's room and keyboard. The audio is clean though, well done sir. Now if only your "The Noise" was worthy such fidelity. You've got the beginning of the technique down, but you choke it a bit in the end there. Don't fear The Noise, young one, own it! Total Score: C+

Contestant Three: Michaelangelo Barquez

OK, look at the length of this video; almost two minutes. Red flag. And why is it so long? TOO MUCH TALKING!! Michaelangelo, no one cares about you, or the other videos in your "series" or your hair [as much as you obviously do]. Speaking of which, for someone who obviously cares about their appearance in person, the presentation of this video is terrible: poor lighting, claustrophobic dorm room, and terrible -- absolutely TERRIBLE -- audio quality. And another thing, you claim to present an easier way of getting the elephant tone than the technique invented by EVH? Blasphemer! There are no shortcuts! I will admit, while your noise is not The Noise, it still sounds fairly elephant-like. This is the only reason you haven't been disqualified. Total Score: D-

Contestant Four: "Cool Sound Effects On Guitar"

Oh, man, where to start? Firstly, your video is a minute in length: that's 50 seconds too long! And what's the first thing we see in the frame but a basket full of DIRTY LAUNDRY. Not a good start, dude. About the only thing this guy's got going on is his metal face [spoiler: it's all downhill after that first ominous glare during the opening whammy-bar dive bomb]. And after wading knee deep through all these "cool effects" we finally hear . . . NO ELEPHANT SOUND! Listen, C.S.E.O.G., if you advertise The Noise on your video description, you better bring The Noise, else prepare to feel the wrath of EVH-a-philes scorned! DISQUALIFIED!!!

Contestant Five: "Sam Elephant Noise"

OK! This is getting a bit closer to The Noise as I hear it in my head. The actual video production is crap, but the fact that it seems to have been shot by an adoring groupie lends the whole thing an air of credibility. Kudos. And The Noise Sam conjures is pretty nice: he doesn't need to think about the technique too much, and his execution is damn near expressive, like he's tapping into childhood memories of watching Wild America [or Wild Australia, as this case may]. And nice addition of the "baby" variant. Will we allow extra credit? Yes, we will! Total Score: A-

Contestant Six: "TwoHandTap"

I have a confession: I wept while watching this video. Firstly, the presentation is flawless, what with the unobtrusive black background, and the not one, but two shots of the technique's execution, filmed in close up. And it's brief like Hanes! Do I need point out what you've already noticed; TwoHandTap can be referred to by a three letter acronym, just like EVH! Coincidence? I think not. And The Noise is like nothing I've ever heard, outside, perhaps, my very dreams. Instantly I was transported to a fog-enshrouded jungle, Mahler-esque French Horn music in the background. I know e'en what this majestic creature is feeling: he is pondering the secret elephant burial grounds where his ancestors lay! It is beautiful! Dare I say it? Yes, I durst: THT has brought The Noise like none other since EVH! Total Score: A+

Our winner: TwoHandTap!!! Congrats, THT. You win: more internet traffic. You can't buy this kind of exposure, so you better be grateful!

Want to attempt The Noise yourself? Check out this hand tab I found at markhendu.tripod.com:

"This one is a little tricky, but with fast hands, it can be done.

1: Turn the volume all the way down on your guitar or with a volume pedal.
2: Hit these harmonics, in this order (Im doing this from memory, so it might be wrong.)

E|-----------------------------------<12>------------------------| B|-------------------------<7>-----------------------------------| G|---------------<5>---------------------------------------------| D|---------------------------------------------------------------| A|---------------------------------------------------------------| E|---------------------------------------------------------------|

(Correction made by moggio@bigfoot.net)

3: Now dive with your whammy bar/pedal and fade in with your volume knob/pedal. Viola! Elephants!"

Special Addendum: Adrian Belew has another technique for conjuring The Noise.