I only trust companies whose names sound like onomatopoeia for barfing. That's why I get all my pharmaceutical needs at Ralph's Discount City in the financial district, and all my loop collections from Splurgo, makers of the cheapest loop collections on the 'net (it's also why I like to. . . hmph. . . BLOG!!!!).

Splurgo's just announced four new collections that can be organized into two categories: those with self-evident names, and those with names that do little or nothing to describe what the collection sounds like. In the former category we have:

• Splurgo Acoustic Reggae Guitar. Bask in the glory of what sounds like your drunken college roommate trying to learn "Redemption Songs" followed by the same roommate getting even more drunk and trying to learn songs by that terrible band O.A.R. Contains 59 loops at 80 bpm in D and E and is available in Sony Acid WAV and Apple Garageband AIFF format for $8.95.

. . . and that's it for the "clearly named" category. The second category would be "you need to listen to it to know what they're on about with the title," in which you can file:

• Splurgo Punk Rock Army. Features a picture of "punk girl" in front of a Union Jack, but is actually just a thirty-second instrumental that sounds like late-80s L.A. butt-rock. $12.95 for that one, and no free Dr. Pepper, we can't be clear enough about that.
• Splurgo House Moody Music. Think less "Chicago House" and more "Haunted House." This collection sounds uncannily like the soundtrack to Nickelodeon's classic Are You Afraid Of The Dark? tweensploitation serial. Available in Sony Acid WAV and Apple Garageband AIFF for $14.95.
• Splurgo March Of Madness. This one sounds, in fact, like standard, amateur techno. Two tracks are included, the first I'd describe as "Sega Genesis Style House" and the second I'd call "Atari Jaguar Style Jungle." $14.95 nets you these mustn't have tracks.