I don't wish to make you, the reader, uncomfortable, but I have to be honest: I am attracted to the U.S. Masters Magnus Performer 5-string bass.

What can I say? I'm a sucker for the 'natural' look, and it's especially flattering on this svelte beauty. Squirming a bit yet? Just wait till I wax romantic about how comfortable I'd imagine it is to handle this bombshell:

I yearn to fold my fretting palm gently astride your satiny, compound radius neck, passion unfettered by the knowledge that its internal, graphite reinforcement will withstand even the most spirited partner.

I'll take a breather here while you grab some water. . .

You back? I'll continue.

O, the supple active-EQ; what a joy it must be to tweak your machine heads for a fuller bottom and sumptuous top-end. How I picture the ways your ample upper-bout might help you to balance on my supportive, providing shoulder.

You torture me with your twin, Masters Design soapbar pickups that rest luxuriously atop your gracefully contoured figure. My mind entertains the near-mad rapture of digging hard into your low B, tracing delicate arpeggios up to your 24th fret and testing the mettle of your Sperzel locking tuners with a vigorous bout of slapping and popping!

No, Magnus Performer! Don't shy away from my affection, fair Venus, I promise not to mistreat you. I know that your street price of $1,195 US speaks not to your true value. Would a mere mortal deign to assay a goddess?

Damn. Someone turn on the AC.